The following is a parody intended for humorous purposes loosely based on 12-step program recovery literature. No disrespect of said programs is intended.
We got a fever, got a permanent disease; it’ll take more than a doc to prescribe a remedy…
Rarely have we seen a Bon Jovi fan fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are JoviNation fanatics who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest about their Bon Jovi addiction.
There are such die-hards. They are not at fault; they haven’t been the same since the first time they saw Jonny’s booty shake or flash his pearly-whites.
Their chances of overcoming Bon Jovi Addiction are less than average. There are those too who suffer from grave 1980’s hair abuse and addiction to spandex, but many in JoviNation will recover, IF they have the capacity to put the credit card away and pry themselves away from the computer.
Our stories disclose in a rock-n-roll soap opera way what we used to be like; what happened when we got hooked on Bon Jovi, and what we are like now.
If you have decided that you want the concert tickets we have, and are willing to go to any length to get them, then you are ready to take certain steps. At some of these, we balked: we thought we could find an easier, softer way to kick Bon Jovi Addiction, but we could not.
Jon Bon Jovi isn’t an acquired taste, he’s addiction
Some of us even tried to hold on to our old vinyl records and black-light posters, but the result was nil, until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with Bon Jovi—cunning, baffling, powerful. Without help, they are too much for us. But there is one who has all power; that one is God. May He help us learn to appreciate Bon Jovi in moderation now!
Half-assed attempts at quitting Bon Jovi completely availed us nothing. We stood at the ticket window, and we asked for the best possible seats we could get with complete abandon.
1. We admitted we were powerless over all things Bon Jovi—that our lives had become consumed with Jon, Richie, Tico, and David.
2. Came to believe that a power Greater Than Ourselves might restore us to sanity; but that a VIP Package of Circle Seat tickets greater than ones we could have bought for far less money would blow the chances of that happening right out of the water.
3. Made a decision to turn our will, our lives, our minds, our bodies, discretionary budgets and computers and smart phones over to Bon Jovi, as we understand them.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of OTHER Bon Jovi fans in JoviNation instead of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to everyone we came in contact with the exact nature of our fixation, obsession, hobby, all-consuming crush and infatuation with Bon Jovi, despite everyone telling us it is wrong.
6. Were completely unwilling to let God remove our obsessive Bon Jovi character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our Jon Bon Jovi shortcomings; while the weaker among us boldly ask Bon Jovi to remove their shorts.
8. Made a list of all persons we had met near and far from JoviNation on Facebook and Twitter, and became willing to send CD’s, photos, fan fiction stories, tickets and other memorabilia to them all.
9. Hooked up with these fans at as many concerts as we could afford, except when to do so would injure our chances or lessen the liklihood that we might actually get to meet Bon Jovi.
10. Continued to take personal inventory of our fellow Bon Jovi fans and when they are slacking and not adoringly worshipful enough, we make them promptly admit it and then sing “Dry County” a Capella.
11. Sought through prayer, meditation, youTube, social networking sites and bonjovi.com to improve our conscious and dream-state contact with Bon Jovi, praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the ticket money and merchandise money to carry that out.
12. Having had a rock-n-roll conversion as a result of these Steps, we try to carry this message to other insane Bon Jovi fans, and practice these principals in all our affairs.
Many of us in JoviNation exclaimed, “But I love being addicted to Bon Jovi! I don’t want to tone it down!” Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to quit this band and put it out of our minds or our lives. The point is that we are willing to grow together along JoviNation spiritual lines. We claim communal spiritual progress in worshiping all things Bon Jovi, rather than spiritual perfection.
Our description of the Bon Jovi Fanatic and our personal adventures before and after Bon Jovi took over our hearts and minds make clear three pertinent ideas:
Still rockin’ in the free world after all these years.
a. That we are Bon JoviHolics and can not manage our own lives.
b. That probably no human power can break Jon Bon Jovi’s hold on us.
c. That God could, and would, if He himself doesn’t have VIP tickets front and center.
Read more articles by National Bon Jovi Examiner Glenn Osrin here.
Do you live for Richie Sambora? Read articles about him here.
Find and follow Glenn Osrin on Twitter @wizardofosrin