Horoscopes of Final Karmic Exaltation:
Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Virgo
By: Brad Kronen
March 20th – April 19th
Every sign has a motto, Aries. Yours is upfront, simple, and as straighttforward as can be – “I AM”. Each of you Ram Kids may “be” a lot of things, but there is another motto better known by the rest of the Zodiac which supersedes any individual person who puts themselves and their needs constantly ahead of others: “No man is an island.”
For practically the last 3 years, Saturn has made your sign the exalted example of relationships, since the ringed planet has been traversing through The Aries’ House of Marriage, Partnerships, and Overall Important 1 on 1 Relationships. I’m sure your horns won’t uncurl when informing the first borns of the Zodiac that over these last few Saturnine years, The Lord of Karma took many of your Arien “self” concerned tendencies and forced many of you Head Butters to notice a good portion of those tendencies were downright “self”-ish when viewed from the perspective of your most important 1 on 1 relationships.
The Lord of Karma is technically an earthy planet and as such, loves to teach his “Life’s Lessons Learned the Hard Way” through the use of concrete example. Not only was this Saturnine example of partnership for the Aries placed before every person born beneath the sign of the Ram, this Marriage of Martian Madness was plastered before the face of the general population for all the Western World to see, since images of this notorious couple could not be avoided whenever waiting in line at any given grocery store, supermarket, and/or newsstand.
Saturn’s teaching tool for the Aries to learn how NOT to behave in a partnership was especially effective by virtue of this example of Love gone very, very wrong being both very real and very visceral. And along with utilizing concrete examples, The Lord of Karma’s other favorite teaching tool to make sure his lessons really stick is the use of repetition.
With all of that said, in order for the Lord of Karma to make his point clearly made to the sign of “self” regarding the joining of 2 selves, Saturn took his concrete example and made it a double – THE GOSSELINS!
Both members of that Gruesome Twosome whose very cheap shot divorce commenced just as Saturn newly entered its exaltation are BOTH born under the “I AM” sign!
Both generals who waged war against each other for all to watch in horror on the Battlefield of Love were born beneath the sign ruled by Mars, the god of aggression who oversaw fights to the death.
In other non-pretty words, to be as upfront, simple, and straightforward like your sign as I can be, my Rams, both Jon and Kate Gosselin are Aries.
People, may I say this? Just because a ram changes her hair style, does NOT mean she has lost her horns! One of the messiest divorces of this century to date involved 2 Aries so that Saturn could make an exalted example of their relationship for society at large by pointing out that the Gosselins’ marriage failed mainly because of the very noteworthy absence of one thing: COMPROMISE.
Every human relationship involves 2 entities who were once formerly single and individualized, but now merge to form one working unit that relies on the other to do their fair share, if this new “entity” of 2 individuals merged into 1 joined couple is to survive.
Regardless if over the last few Saturnine years the other end of your coupled unit has firmly resolved themselves to singing that country hit by Lamby Wynette, “Stand By Your Ram” or if they gave you their own mighty head butt and sent you packing, I do hope that Saturn’s journey through your House of Partnerships has made you Rams realize that many times there are other people in the Universe as well as your fiery selves with needs as valid as your own.
I can only imagine how the last few years have had their share of pitfalls simply because Saturn must have time and again forced the Aries to go against their natural grain of spontaneous action. I can also only imagine over the course of the last few years the numerous times the Lord of Karma must have driven each of you Rams to frenzily want to clash horns with yourselves due to the inner struggle of the Aries not being able to simply do what they want whenever they wanted, in order to gauge the concerns of others and incorporate them with their own.
Just remember this very simple and straightforward piece of advice going forward, my fiery firsts. Whenever the inner pressure builds to where you’re ready to throw a good old fashioned fit of Martian aggression while screaming “What about ME ME ME!” Simply tell your fire signed, first of the Zodiac self:
No Ram is an island.
Hopefully Saturn in its exaltation has shown those born beneath the sign of Self that their closest key relationships clearly indicate to the rest of us that we’re all in this together.
April 20th – May 20th
I’ll be honest with you, Taurus. I’m a smidge tired of your sign being boiled down to one cement-like personality trait that is utterly lacking in well, anything. When I tell someone of a person being born beneath your sign, 11 times out of 10, a response will be rendered, that in my opinion, also is utterly lacking in well, anything:
“Taurus, huh? They’re really…stubborn, right?”
So are dandelions, but they don’t go through life with that obnoxious personality trait permanently tacked on to their identity whenever being brought up in conversation, now do they?
Astrology in its many texts, is itself, guilty in never aptly describing the best and most evolved qualities of the Taurean personality. I’m only now just realizing that the reasoning as to why these positive Taurean traits which make you Cattle Kids special are generally withheld, possesses the same logic as to why those born beneath the sign of the Bull are blanketed with that aforementioned uni-description of stubborness – your strength.
The inherent strength of the typical Taurus is so steadfast, constant, and securely grounded that it makes everything else about your sign, be it positive or negative, evolved or unevolved, be completely ignored or simply overlooked.
There have been exceptions, like Hitler and Robespierre just to name an unevolved few, but on the whole, I have found that the people with the most pleasant and consistently sweetest of dispositions have almost always been born during that time of year when even the air itself seems perfumed from all of Nature bursting into bloom.
But my Bulls, your innate sweetness which never seems to be given its full credit is misunderstood and ignored by virtue of its sheer strength alone. The part of the populace who at least is aware of your almost always pleasant personae likens that wondrous Taurean trait as if the end result from having a partial lobotomy. Non-Taureans look at your inherent kindness of heart like it’s an ether cloud of dopey niceness which surrounds your sign naturally, without producing so much as a blip on your radar of self-awareness. They have not a clue the inner strength that is required to maintain that almost Zen-like pleasant exterior.
Your sign is living proof that if put under duress, Venus would, without a doubt, be able to power lift and bench press Hercules or Zeus to shame! But since strength can never be pretty, the best thing they can call you while doing a half nelson around those thick necks of yours is (yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn)…..stubborn.
And please don’t misunderstood me, Taurus, I didn’t write all this just to crown you Mister and Miss Cow-ngeniality and send you off to those greener pastures you so deserve! My buddy Saturn here knows you’re tough but ALSO knows that same toughness is surrounded by girly flab that is softer than the most tender veal. Guess that wasn’t too sweet of him to say huh?
Saturn already knows how much raw strength is needed for all your Bullish qualities. One needs to be super strong to be super stubborn because its purpose is to literally bring everyone else to their knees, wearing them down over time and begging for mercy!
But it takes an even greater and deeper strength to overcome all that. The mountain-like strength of the Taurus is the same force which could also keep you cows potentially penned in one place. If the Taurus’ environment remains temperate and mild, the bull will dull itself into a state of pleasant, yet sedentary inertia; eventually morphing into a Blue Ribbon heifer that over time can only be cleaned by a small staff of helpers who use sponges on sticks!
For nearly the last 3 years, Saturn has been making alterations to you Bulls that I’m sure many a bovine has noticed, but like your non-stubborn qualities, have overlooked. Why? The ringed planet has been traversing an area of life which is the strongest part of The Bull’s sedentary force – The Taurus’ House of Daily Activities and Day to Day Routine.
Being Venus ruled, you make the worst liars, so be honest my Bulls – over the past few years, has your sense of daily routine been shaken up somehow so that you couldn’t stay set in your ways? For many of you, because of sheer frustration? Since October of 2009, was your movement impaired from the same area as where your strength is housed – from within?
Did the calve of the calf become a problem? Did the legs, hips, or feet that usually are smaller in proportion to your strong upper frames give in in some way? Did the body of the Bull get in the way of its own sense of routine?
Saturn rules structure, and governs over those very things within us which give our bodies form, namely our bones. Over the last few years, did a number of Taureans experience an issue with the bones which comprise their core frames of support to their Bull Towers of Strength?
For nearly the last 3 years, my cud chewers, Saturn has been in a sign that like yours, is Venus ruled, Libra. Did The Lord of Karma restrict the Bull’s intake of the sugary sweet by having issues like kidney stones, or diabetes enter your lives or did Saturn directly affect the body area assigned to the Bull by having the thyroid gland go haywire through over or underactivity?
For a good sized portion of your herd, your Bullish bodies had to be altered in some fundamental manner to match the brute force that is your inner strength. That indeed is a bitter pill, my Bulls. But that may be exactly what you need to keep fighting boney old, Father Bother Saturn.
Yes, The Bull’s sense of routine has been shaken up and not in a good way, but Necessity is sometimes one of the few sources of Taurean Invention. By sheer necessity of addressing these alteration or impairment issues, you’ve had to flex those muscles that usually are unused due to being in a sugar coma – the sinews of creativity.
At this point, I hope you’re looking for some horn sharpener due to all that mild mannered nice-nice getting a little clouded over from starting to see a little red. This next comment might move things a little faster.
Remember what I said earlier about strength never being pretty?
I LIED! (I did because unlike you, I can.)
OK I can hear snorting all around me, I’m gonna move things along now by presenting your sign Brad’s karmic gift, now that Saturn is in the tail end of its exaltation.
One of the most feared monsters in mythology was The Minotaur, a most cursed and deadly beast that had the massive horns, head, and mammoth upper body of the most powerful of bulls with the lower body of Arnold Schwartzenegger when he was at the peak of his non-steroided (wink, wink), competitive body building years.
What most people don’t realize is The Minotaur had a pact with the King of Minos, that in order to have his people spared nightly from being taken and eaten alive by the Minotaur, the King had to sacrifice the best pair of hotties of both the chick and dude varieties once a month. Literally, the prettiest guy and girl were forced to walk into the Minotaur’s Lair hand in hand, knowing they would both be reduced to pretty puree.
And by the non-boring Bullish way, the structure that housed the feared Minotaur was called a lair, NOT a boring stable of stubbornness. Anyone who tried to save Minos’ Top-Soon-To-Be-Eaten-Models would end up as an appetizer or midnight snack (depending on whether the monthly maiden was Kate Moss Fairest or Tyra Banks Fairest) due to the ingenious design of its endlessly twisting and changing corridors. The Lair of the Minotaur made it impossible for anyone, bull or otherwise, to get set in their ways at all since its structural core was conceived and made with a sense of ever-changing creative variety.
Taurus, anyone experiencing restrictions in their mobility has it rough because it’s frustrating as Hades. Tap into that frustration which The Lord of Karma has thrown your way that your Titan selves have kept at bay to remain pleasant and calm, and get seriously creative! Venus rules not only over beauty but she is the patroness of Art itself and anything deemed artisticly or creatively lovely. Be as fierce as your mythological monster self was! Harness that strength now stoked by the harsh force of necessity, and challenge your dormant ingenuity.
Flex those creative sinews while Saturn is in the final stages of its exaltation and into the times ahead, my Bulls. If anything, to show the world that those born beneath the sign of the Bovine are much more than just,
May 21st – June 20th
Life is a state of mind, Gemini.
With that observation being made, of the 4 elements, one would think yours would have the easiest time handling that concept, since rational thought is under Air’s domain. Air is the lightest, and thus the fastest moving of the 4 elements, and with rational thought being under the care of Air, it would only stand to follow that a Gemini’s perspective of the world is greatly affected by their mental state.
Being that you are the first representatives of the element of Air does NOT mean the sign of the Twins is the most basic, generic, or prehistoric model of Air signed cognition, whereas Libra and Aquarius take what few novel ideas Gram and Gramps Gemini hack up and add all the modern mental accoutrements and intellectually enhancing upgrades.
In the time it takes for the mental curiosity of the Gemini mind to inquire, search, devour, and absorb a mental concept that was hitherto unknown and unlearned, the Libra is still pondering what shade of pastel reading glasses should be placed on their aquiline noses, and the Aquarian is interrupting the Scales’ perpetual process of hemming and hawing by attempting to ask if anybody has seen their super large reading glasses, which incidentally, are already placed atop their super large craniums.
No, my Twins, your minds are not the rudimentary reps of your element. In actuality, the Mercurial minds of the Gemini represent the element of Air in its purest and most sensitive form. Even with that said, a Gemini isn’t some Venus Infotrap that chomps and guzzles any bit of knowledgeable content placed in front of it.
The mental curiosity of The Twins can be likened to an Olympic ice dancer. There needs to be a waltz-like effect between the air sign which is discovering and that which is being discovered. If one abruptly forces something in front of a Gemini’s mental radar or tells the Gemini to be mentally stimulated right this minute without any delicious procrastination – GAME OVER BEFORE IT STARTED!
Over the last 3 years, Saturn has been traveling through The Gemini’s House of Creative Self Expression. What that means is anytime the ice dance waltz would begin between your mentally stimulated minds and the world, that boney geriatric with far out head gear, aka mean old Saturn, would try to cut in. The Lord of Karma’s anything-but-fancy footwork would then proceed to cut off all mental momentum, leaving the Gemini mind-numbingly bored and impatiently disgusted.
One would assume this mental tripping would have the first of the air signs even more starved to learn, or be at least motivated to search for some form of mental stimulation elsewhere, however the result is a pervasive atmosphere of near constant mental Blah’s for those born beneath the sign of The Twins, where the Gemini is not even slightly interested in pursuing to learn about anything else due to Grampa Saturn’s oxygen tank sucking up anything remotely fresh or mentally interesting from the immediate atmosphere.
Over the last few years, Geminis have seen their sense of anxiety steadily rise, as well as their already eyedropper-sized level of patience be utterly decimated due to their naturally curious minds being initially revv’d up with potential mental stimulation, only to have The Lord of Karma cause said stimuli to almost immediately fizzle.
In a nutshell, Saturn took all of your Mercurial minds, tossed them down into a dark dungeon, dank with mildew and Hermes knows what else, then said in his best Bette Davis “I hear there’s some rats in the cellah.” while turning off the last naked lightbulb of enlightenment, making sure the lock fully clicked as the dungeon door slammed as The Lord of Karma slowly shuffled away.
DON’T ROLL BOTH SETS OF EYES AT ME BECAUSE YOU TWINS ARE BORED ALREADY, THERE IS A POINT BEHIND ALL THIS BRILLIANTLY WRITTEN ALLITERATION!!!
In order to have the most effective prisoner revolt and break out from this mental dungeon, we need to go back to basics, my Twins.
The “Age of Man” that correlates with the sign of Gemini are the elementary school years, a period of time when a child is learning a little something about everything regarding their unfolding worlds at large.
As previously stated, during the last 3 years The Lord of Karma has been positioned in The Gemini’s House of Creative Self-Expression, a House also known as The House of Children, since creativity begins during the formative years, most noticeably while we are developmentally learning as children attending elementary school.
As The Lord of Karma prepares to end and exit its 3 year period of its exaltation, I suggest every Gemini partake in this simple, yet effective, mental exercise devised by the astrologer you plan on naming every pet after from this point onward, regardless of gender.
In other words, in order to get Father Bother Saturn from cutting in on the ice dancing waltz within each of your Mercurial minds going forward, every person born beneath the sign of The Twins needs to go back to school.
Grammar school, that is.
That’s right my airy boys and girls, mentally travel back in time when your little elementary school selves were young, bright, and innocent,
…and when the entire gaggle of you Gemini brats would never freaking shut up because of the incessant babble constantly coming out of your non-stopping, triple speed moving, word holes.
Another effective visual aid for this exercise is recapturing in your mind’s eye the various report cards and progress reports from this time period as well. You know, the ones in black print interspersed with red scream-y lettering, red circles, and/or red exclamation points that had the same teacher criticisms no matter the grade, which read:
*IS NEVER QUIET!
*HAS BEEN TOLD REPEATEDLY TO RAISE HAND FIRST BEFORE SPEAKING!
*HAVE DISCUSSED WITH REST OF TEACHERS, WE ARE IN AGREEMENT OF VISUALLY SHOWING THE “MUZZLE THREAT” WHENEVER BLURTINGS ENTER DOUBLE DIGITS.
*PRINCIPLE CONCURS TO HAVE SHOCK THERAPY TOOLS PRE-ESTABLISHED AT DESK FOR UPCOMING SCHOOL YEAR IN ORDER TO EMPHASIZE NON-SPEECH.
On 2nd thought, scratch the report cards. THIS is what your Saturnine “Home”work assignment will be:
Each Gemini must find or purchase, physically place in their current home or dwelling and subsequently read over the next 3 months their all time favorite literary series when each set of Twins was between the ages of 6-12.
I don’t care if you cheat and relive your nursery school years, as long as you read every bit of that Anne Rice pulp that you first discovered and devoured WHOLE back then!
I don’t care if reading The Hardy Boys or Nancy Drew or even Nancy and Sluggo betray your actual number of current years – You WILL re-read that stuff and you’re going to freaking REVEL in doing so – DID I STUTTER, TWINS???
Gemini Girls, if there was an entire atmosphere created in 5th grade whenever you snuck off to read those filthy but arousing Judy Blumes or V.C. Andrews, then recreate every detail of that taboo titillation in your adult home!
Gemini Guys, your older brother’s Penthouse collection that is buried in the woods which ranged from April of 1980 to August of 1982 does NOT qualify as a literary series no matter how many times you “re-visited” them!
Having all your Harry Potters in a row or reliving all the ink scrawlings you made throughout every book of your Lemony Snicket Series is only half of your HOME-work assignment, my Twins.
Part II (Reviving your Twin of Creative Curiosity)
-Along with re-acquainting your Gemini selves with those wondrous things that were your first launching pads into the stratosphere of mental stimulation and excitement, a little more text absorption needs to be completed with the text chosen by yours truly. Don’t worry, my mental ones, I won’t have you reading the complete “Dune” series “complete” with its own dictionary of terms every time you put your JRR Tolkeins down. My contribution to your toils involves 15 pages – the final 15 pages of the first book of Roal Dahl’s “Willy Wonka” Series, “Charlie & The Chocolate Factory”. It should take the average Gemini a sprinkling more of milliseconds to read my part of the assignment but this needs to be done EVERY time AFTER you revisit your version of Gemini Memor-I Lane.
(turning away and throwing falsetto voice as if coming from the slack-jawed lot of you) “AND WHY IS THAT BRAD?”
In the final scene of the first installment, Willy Wonka’s state of mind and hence his perspective on life at that point in the story is rather grim and almost identical to all my Geminis’ frames of minds when we first began our own little whimsical tale of Saturnine horror. Wonka is sitting at his writing desk and can’t figure what to even think next, he is so upset and frustrated realizing he still does not have an heir to his Factory.
That is, until Charlie and Grampa Joe enter and both Bucket boys intuitively feel so bad for the sugary showman that Charlie places his custom made, only one like it in the world, Everlasting Gobstopper on the man’s desk signifying his relinquishing of the prized possession and returning it back to its creator.
Thus far we have witnessed:
-The elementary school child and his quick witted creativity working quite efficiently.
– A “returning to the source” of ideas considered genius and utterly inventive.
By that small act, Wonka is shown all he needs to see. His frustrated jibberish remains just that due to the confectionary genius’ desolate frustration being dualisticly replaced by overjoyed and unbridled excitement. WW grabs any random limb belonging to a Bucket and proceeds to beeline to the main source of transportation throughout his massive, many floored factory – the glass elevator. The now thrilled speechless man does manage to command Charlie to push a very ominous button in the glass elevator that is in the dead center of 100’s of other buttons.
Charlie’s Mercurial reflexes don’t miss a beat. He nods, laughs heartily from the amped up, borderline psychotic fun-filled change of atmosphere, but also giggles nervously as if to say “We’re all going to die when I push that button, I know it.”
Upon doing so, the glass elevator propels itself and its human cargo through the roof of the factory and flies into the open sky and as we proceed through the Wonka Series, eventually to outer space. BUT before the adventures which lay beyond the force of gravity unfurl, the glass elevator lands in front of The Bucket Household where both Mr. Wonka and Charlie inform the rest of the poorer than dirt Bucket clan that they are movin on up to the east side to a deluxe chocolate factory once they come back from the sky!
Hmmmm, where have I heard the same kind of story where the adult mind has frustrated itself into a dark corner, is full of Saturnine anxiety but can’t go forward and decides to return to its childhood “home” where the adult’s state of mind becomes as clear as glass and is resuscitated by rediscovering those very things that first sent his thoughts “through the roof” with mental curiosity and excitement when he or she was a kid, leaving her currently so mentally inspired, their thoughts are ready to soar above and beyond as if to outer space……?
I won’t hold my non-breathing breath, Gemini. You can thank me after the head rush subsides from all the creative juices kicking in all at once.
For those Geminis in a pinch, this little part is akin to a mini-mental glass case with an axe attached, but don’t read past this point, because it is for emergency mental stimulation cases only: TRIVIA!
IN CASES requiring THE MOST EMERGENCY of MENTAL STIMULATION only!
***After all the Twin Talk, it’s no coincidence that both actors who portrayed the dubiously dualistic Willy Wonka, Johnny Depp and Gene Wilder are not only Geminis, but their dates of birth are 2 days apart in the Airy month of June! TWO, get it? As in TWO people equals one set of Twins!!!***
Oh pleez, I said it was for mental emergencies, not the Shakespeare Recitation Society!
June 21st – July 21st
Thanks for coming over, Cancer! Since our little coffee klatch is happening at mi casa, you Crabs should know upfront: unlike all the fresh, home-made goodness you Home bodies whip up whenever in the Crustacean comfort of your own home, at my house, anything I touch in the kitchen (or even look at funny, for that matter) ends up either being burned beyond recognition, or has a funny metallic after-taste, but take a load off your claws anyway and have a seat!
As you Shell Bearers have been fairly warned, it’s beyond impossible for Brad to try replicating any of the Cancer’s domestic gifts of Home and Hearth, but I did try something new, different, and fitting for my Side Stepping guests! While we’re waiting for coffee, which funnily enough, mine, I personally call “liquid sludge”, place those big ole’ crab claws over your eyes and soon, you shall behold my Cancerian surprise!
TA-DAH! Crabapple Pie!
What do you mean there’s no such thing? I know your sign tends to stay at home a lot, but come on! The sign of the Crab has never heard of a crabapple? OH!!! Well, in honor of your visit, I thought I’d bake a home cooked apple pie – just like my Mom would never bake over her dead body! Except whenever the recipe asked to add a plain old apple, you guessed it – Crabapple Pie! Dig in!
What’s that? It’s customary in your sea castle culture that the host eat the first 4 slices of any variation of first time cooking extravaganza, you say? How Crabby kind of you!
(Brad proceeds to place an overgenerous heaping forkful of the undercooked green goo in his mouth.)….if I may ask your Pincer’d pardon to excuse myself? You’re far too Crust…..acean (burp) kind, I assure you…..
(sprinting to bathroom, followed by LOUD DRYHEAVING).
(wiping remaining upchuck trickle from mouth while returning to kitchen table) Yumm Yumm! I wanted to present the laidback, relaxed feel of a coffee klatch of the crabby kind because this month’s horoscope for your sign still bears a major effect on society at large as it does for each one of you as individual Crustaceans.
Five years from now, you’ll be looking back at this period of time we currently are in, and will want to quote Dickens, Cancer, but then realize the wording needs to be slightly altered.
For close to 3 years now, Saturn’s trek through the sign of its exaltation for you Crabs has been:
“The best of times OR the worst of times.”
Since October of 2009 to the present day, The Lord of Karma has made himself feel right at home in an area of life that not only are you Crabs VERY well versed in, it happens to also be the Zodiacal sector of life which your sign rules naturally – The Cancer’s House of Home.
In order to understand just how important Saturn’s transit through its exaltation has been for all Cancers, we need to look at the basic personality traits of your sign. Depending on how badly or well each Cancerian has dealt with The Lord of Karma’s extended home stay with them over these last few years will have a marked effect on the world at large going forward.
Cancer is one of the 4 “cardinal” signs. These signs start each of the 4 seasons and thus are naturally good at starting things or starting from scratch. Cancer is the first sign occurring after the Summer Solstice, however there are only 2 areas of life that a Crab will be motivated to get off its shell for: Home and Family.
Cancer is the natural ruler of the 4th House of Home and a Cancerian needs a solid home base in order to function well in life. This is NOT the sign that can live out of hotels or on a friend’s couch for an extended period of time!
I personally describe any Cancerian, male or female, as a person being born under the “Mommy” sign. Cancer is a water, or emotionally based, sign and considering that aspect with how much they are attached to their homes and families, those born beneath the sign of the Crab are naturally nurturing and will “Mommy” anyone they feel close to, regardless if they are blood relatives or not.
With the Crab-101 said, how many Cancerians have had changes occur to or at their home since October of 2009?
The ringed planet deals with restrictions and what that meant for a number of Cancerians in regards to their sea castles over the last nearly 3 years were financial issues, such as not having enough money to cover the rent or property taxes, or a raising of either, or not having enough money to cover their mortgage due to changes or loss with their jobs.
If their finances weren’t involved, many Cancerians had to put up with restrictions happening around their homes, such as the disruption or endless noises from fires, floods, earthquakes, construction, or the new next door neighbors from Hell.
Lastly, if their finances weren’t involved and if there weren’t issues happening around their homes, another group of Crabs had to deal with the issue of restriction happening to their actual homes, themselves. Take your pick of the myriad of nightmares that would transform a Cancer’s refuge to “This Old House from Hell”: flooding due to bad plumbing, parts of the roof caving in because of non-repair, right down to Mother Nature shacking up by having squirrels, snakes, bats, rats, mice or multiple armies of termites or any other house-devouring insect in the attic, basement or both!
Any of the aforementioned restrictions would understandably make this current period the “worst of times” for many a Cancerian.
HOWEVER, just as The Lord of Karma has gifts enmeshed within the numerous challenges and obstacles he throws our way, Saturn doesn’t always work strictly from the negative spectrum. The ringed planet rules over structure itself, so a goodly number of Cancerians have seen the structure of their homes become more solid with renovations and repairs, or completely change with their arrival into a new home that is significantly larger or better than their last dwelling.
For this group of Crabs, the tuning up or improvement of their homes’ structures would qualify these days as “the best of times”.How does this affect all of us? Saturn’s run through its exaltation is both literal and symbolic when applied to the archetypal Cancerian themes of Home and Family:
•Society is a concept that literally starts at home.
•All of us have a Mom.
Each Cancerian has had to deal with some sort of issue happening to/at/with their home over these last few years of Saturn’s exaltation. How well they dealt with it as individuals is important, but how they adjusted in regards to dealing with their families will be of utmost importance for all of us.
Society’s expectations and rules have drastically changed since I was a tot and the current day. The world changes at a much more fast and furious rate with the progressing times. What alarms me is, these days, the “structure” of a person’s home or family has understandably changed to fit the current times, but in many ways, the change has been one of de-solidification and a lessening, or removal of boundaries.
Saturn’s period of exaltation has been happening in the Air sign of Libra, my Crabs. The foundation of the element of Air is communication. Anytime a Cancerian is stressed, their communications tend to become non-existent due to The Crab retreating into their shell, or deep within the confines of their drape covered sea castles.
If the water signs had it their way, talking would only occur for matters of complete necessity. You watery ones may feel things intensely, but you’re not the best communicators in this world when in the process of experiencing said feelings. Every Cancer, as well as Pisces and Scorpio should always try to keep in mind, the less communication there is, the greater the room for miscomprehension and misunderstanding due to incorrect assumptions.
You Crustaceans need to evaluate the past few years and ask your Crabby selves at any time during the various restrictions or changes The Lord of Karma placed on your homes, were you watery ones swept to sea by your emotions, resulting in the Cancer retreating into silence?
For those Crabs who recall that consistently being the non-communicative case, during this final stretch of Saturn’s exaltation, experiment with discussing your feelings in great detail with yourselves – out loud. From there, attempt to create a “structured speech time” (Saturn rules both structure and Time, itself), a slot of time during the week or month for you and the members of your family to have open forums to discuss whatever issues are at hand and how everyone involved is feeling and dealing with them. The pressure can be lessened by having these structures of speech many times just be set chatting sessions and catching up with each other.
Imagine how much more orderly and solid in structure society will be if the astrological Mommys of the world make the extra effort to opening and improving the channels of communication within their family structures!
At first, when I realized that Saturn would be doing his business in Cancer’s House of Home, I was concerned, since it is such a critical area of life for you Crabs. It then hit me that all this critical change is not occurring to the sign of the pushover priss, but to the sign of the foundation of all societies – The Mother.
Regardless of gender, my exalted gift to the Cancerian during these critical, interesting times is recalling a mother from long, long ago whose influence still affects the world we live in, to the very modern day.
I first must clarify, my gift is one of both historical and sociological significance. Try, if you can, to keep religion out of it.
In ancient times, Rome ruled the world. At the height of ancient Rome’s influence over our planet, an Emperor reigned whose decisions still affect we, the living – Constantine. (The city of Istanbul, in modern day Turkey, was for centuries known as Constantinople, named in his honor.)
And Constantine’s decisions were greatly influenced by his Mom, a woman named Helen*.
When Constantine ascended the throne as the sovereign ruler of Rome, Christians were still being hunted down and persecuted. Although the Emperor had a neutral stance regarding this religious cult which was drawing more and more Romans to its fold, Constantine chose not to take action to abolish the persecution of the early Christians, nor did he officially ban their life-ending appearances at the Colosseum.
This all changed when The Emperor’s mother returned from a trip to Jerusalem.
As legend would have it, Helen arrived in the famed city of old right when the Cross that supposedly Christ was crucified from was being unearthed. It’s said the Queen Mum of Rome not only witnessed this event, but was given a piece of this “True Cross”, causing a number of miraculous things to happen to both her and her traveling entourage, resulting in Helen’s conversion to Christianity.
The saccharine version of this tale involves St. Helen returning to Rome a Christian and holding such influence over her famous son, that Emperor Constantine not only ended the persecution of Christians, but converted to Christianity as well, living the rest of his days a devout follower of Christ. Most historians believe that Christianity didn’t matter one way or the other to the mighty Emperor, his abolishment of Christianity’s persecution as well as his conversion came about most likely because, (drumroll please)-
Constantine wanted to please his Mommy.
In any case, with the threat of its survival lifted, Christianity spread quicker than a Cancer’s shell when they never leave their favorite Crab couch, and became one of the most influential religions of Rome and in turn, the world – for better or worse.
Use Helen as an inspiration during the end of these exalted Saturnine times, my Crabs. That which does not kill your home will make it, and the Cancerian, stronger! Just how much stronger your Mommy powers become can literally have an influence on changing our world, much for the better.
*Dedicated to the memory of one of St. Helen’s most devoted of devotees – Helena Ramdas.
July 22nd – August 22nd
Just in time before our stage entrance, my Lions! Yours is the sign that shines best in any of the dramatic arts, so for your special day, which many of you Lions place WAY too many high expectations on as it is, aka your birthday, I have staged and altered a well known piece of theatrics written by a particular story teller born beneath the sign which is Leo’s polar opposite, Aquarian, Charles Dickens.
Brad’s version of this much loved holiday play that is performed round the globe yearly is called “A Karmic Carol.” The astrologer –whose-writing-is-better-than-catnip will be playing both The Ghosts of Karmic Past and Karmic Present.
You Lions will be playing your Drama King and Queen’d selves.
(clearing throat) Let me take your paws, Leos, and as if by magic, fly through time back to those years known to mortals as 2004-2007…..
HEY! Get BACK here you scaredy cats!! Just because the trip down memory lane isn’t all kitty sunshine does NOT mean you pull a Cowardly Lion on me and propel yourselves through my sets and props! Do you have any idea how expensive breakable, non-face-shredding glass is these days?
Those were “Hard Times” (couldn’t Dickens help myself) I know, and it makes you queasy to even think about those days, my frightened felines. Here, blow hard into The Ghost of Karmic Past’s tissue and NOT into his costume hanky. Feel better?
That’s as much as I can muster for Leonine sympathy for now, my cry kitties, given I had to drop 10 pounds to look more “living impaired” and diet pill is starting to wear off.
When Saturn transits anyone’s Sun Sign, it must be looked at as a period of karmic pruning. That which is being snipped out of our lives during that time makes us feel vulnerable, naked, and much less like our old selves. It is not until a goodly amount of time has passed that we are able to see how much more healthy and fuller we have become from an evolutionary perspective.
At least, that’s what’s SUPPOSED to happen.
Being that your sign occurs during the dog days of summer, aka now, those who are Solar ruled bear the quality of being FIXED. The fixed signs, for the most part, behave exactly as they are described, and have a rather hard time grappling with things such as the perspectives of the rest of the world and/or any ounce of change that is not fully controlled by them.
The transits of Saturn are the Universe’s way of making sure we don’t get too set in our ways so as not to end up as rigid, unbearable curmudgeons who balk at anything that is not of his or her own iron willed, set in stone opinion. An Ebenezer Leo, if you will.
During 2004-2007 most Leos dug their paws into the ground, kicking and screaming the entire time Saturn’s changes were put before them. There was no acceptance of the big picture, nor was there a noble relinquishing of what Saturn was attempting to remove in their lives. Most lions held on to what they knew with a most child-like death grip. What Saturn was able to take away from their cat clutches did not result in a more somber but wiser lion, but rather a very loud and flamboyant version of Hamlet, for surely no mortal in the history of time had to bear such hardship and trials of the soul as they had just undergone!
Yeah, well I forgot to applaud because I was changing costumes and stuff. Besides, this isn’t just YOUR grand display of theatrics! In this karmic version of that holiday play, MY holly and ivy crown has a hydraulic lift in it with streamers, pyrotechnics, and rotating American flags. So stop blocking my entrance and step aside! I’m on…..
(re-approaching with a change of costume, but donning the same wig as earlier)
Good morrow and good day, my Lords and Ladies Lion! I am the Ghost of Karmic Present! I have been sent by my boney Lord, Saturn to beseech you crazy cats to take your paws and pretend-hold (NOT TOUCH) my robes so that I may take you forward through time to the present day.
Lo, our flight, which has symbolized in theater time the 5 years that have pahsed since my boney Lord visited your sign, that although filled with your girlish screams and tears, is complete. Despite the theater audience being given a trick of the eye to represent movement through the passage of time, you lions still remain unaltered after its passing.
OK, enough with the high brow talk, IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT SOMEONE PLEASE KILL THE ROTATING FLAGS AND HELP ME GET OUT OF THIS FIRE HAZARD OF A HAIR PIECE???!!!!
Much better! Daniel Day Lion I am not. So where were we? Oh yeah, your sign’s descent into madness.
So as I was trying to enunciate in my best Thespian-ese, roughly 5 years have passed since Saturn left your sign in September of 2007, a perfect gauge of time to see the karmic differences that should have come to pass from all that luscious and creamy evolutionary growth. Most of you lions are probably thinking “I think I’m still the same awesome version of me and haven’t changed much.”
During the 2004-2007 years, the strategies of counter attack most Leos took to the forces of karmic change ranged from repression, denial, and even projection of their inner issues that needed evolutionary elbow grease onto others. You lions generated a massive amount of effort back then, simply out of retaliation for not having full and complete control over every aspect of your Leonine lives. By making a conscious effort to openly resist Saturn’s lessons through removal and loss, a karmic price needed to be paid.
I’ll be honest my Lions, I was squinting for all of you when Saturn left your sign in September of 2007, thinking that the Lord of Karma’s punishment would be some external event akin to the Roy portion of Siegfried & Roy being attacked by one of his lions on his actual birthday!
When I took my hands from my face after some time had passed, from what I could observe, there still was no change that was visible to all.
Until many of us actually sat down to speak with you hoop jumpers.
Over the last 3 years, Saturn has been going its period of exaltation through The Leo’s House of Communications and here is where The Lord of Karma has demanded payment. Most lions think not much has changed over the last few years? The words of many a Leo are proving to show otherwise. Choose a representative conversation you recently had with someone from any area of your Lionly life: Work, Family, Friend, Romantic, etc.
• How many times did the Leo interrupt?
• How many times did the Leo immediately respond with a “No.”?
• How much of the conversation was self-referential?
• How much of the conversation was about the other person and does the Leo remember any of that portion of the conversation’s content?
• How many times did the Leo blame or find fault with an outside source?
Feel feline free to disagree, Leos. Before doing so, behold and ponder my karmic gift for you Kings and Queens of the Jungle.
Brad’s gift of karmic inspiration is tough to comprehend, but karmicly healthy to ponder none the Lionly less: Academy Award winning actress and fellow member of your astrological pride, Leo, Sandra Bullock.
Sandra proved Brad’s Law of the Leonine Oscar when the feline Thespian nabbed the Academy Award for Best Actress in 2009 for the film, “The Blind Side”. Ms. Bullock had worked long and hard in her field of dramatics and externally was the epitome of Leonine beauty the night she was awarded and recognized for her acting talent.
Barely any time had passed after her monumental achievement when massive focus and attention was given to an area that Sandra had clearly overlooked – her marriage. Directly following Ms. Bullock’s dramaticly historic win, word quickly emerged of her husband, Jesse James, having extra marital affairs so numerous, they made Mata Hari look like a Girl Scout!
Can you guess when Sandra tied the knot with the man who bears the same name as one of the worst criminals in the dramatic Old West, my Lions?
July of 2005, Smack dab in the middle of Saturn on Safari in the sign of Leo.
It’s incredibly unfortunate and (these next 2 descriptives sound like the most uptight of royal Leo matriarchs) simply appalling that such a hard working Leo whom the world acknowledged as the best in her field with an accolade as esteemed as “Best Actress” was pushed so hard and so fast off her dramatic pedestal only moments following her much deserved win.
Keep Sandra’s hard fall from her few precious seconds in Oscar Heaven in mind as you move dramatically forward, my Lions. But this time around, don’t just pretend you were born beneath the sign of royalty, show the world your stiff upper lip from here on in!
The time is nigh to take off the costumes, remove the stage make up, and face the here and now with as little play acting as possible. You have your work cut out for you and I won’t leonine lie, the adjustment might be quite severe when that spotlight has been shut off.
Upon emerging from the unlit stage, (which for many a Leo, will be blindingly dark), you’ll be amazed how bright and warm the sunny light of reality will be!
August 23rd – September 22nd
“A penny saved is a penny earned.”
“A Little goes a Long way.”
“Money doesn’t grow on trees!”
“Neither a borrower nor a lender be.”
The above pearls of financial wisdom not only must have first been uttered by those born beneath the sign of The Virgen (excluding the last quote, which was penned by The Bard, himself a Taurus, but an earth sign none the lending less), but they are also quite currently apropos for every Virgo during these past almost 3 years, given The Lord of Karma has been transiting through its exaltation in The Virgo’s House of Money and Material Assets since October of 2009.
Being Mercury ruled, your sign is most mentally stimulated by duality, my Untouchables. Duality, or Juxtaposition is when polar opposited things are joined together. During this 3 year period of Saturn’s exaltation, your sign has been both the best and worst equipped to deal with The Lord of Karma creeping his bony old self through such an integrally important area of Life as The House which oversees That Which Makes The World Go ‘Round.
The worst sign aspect is attributed to an action which your astrological kind could easily pass for as an Olympic event – Worry. The average Virgo not only worries about themselves and their issues and problems, but also the issues and problems of everyone else they care about as well. Given the financial fact the economy officially nose-dived in 2008, a full year before Saturn began its period of exaltation, all of us have had more than enough to worry about in the Money/Finances Department for quite some time now, but to have an exalted Saturn in one’s House of Money? The mental stress becomes cartoonishly severe and extreme, even before realizing that this financially treacherous positioning of The Lord of Karma has been happening specifically to the sign of the Worry Wart.
Freakish bouts of worry and financial angst aside, the reasoning as to why Virgo is the best representative of all the Zodiac to undergo Saturn’s exaltation through their House of Money has to do with your sign’s “quality” (and I don’t mean level of craftsmanship or thread count) – Mutability.
While teaching about the 3 Qualities (aka a sign’s core essence) of Astrology, a student once said to me, “There can’t be any earth signs that are mutable, right?” Being a mutable myself, I reviewed the logic my student had used to come to that incorrect conclusion and could see how that process of deduction was made. Earth is the heaviest of the 4 elements and suggests an overall essence that is steadfast, where one sticks to their guns and plants themselves firmly into the earthy ground.
Put another way, the element of earth implies immobility.
That which is mutable hints of a light and fast-moving dynamic, where change and variety are as frequent as the mutable person’s multiple changes of direction and/or motion.
Combining Earth with Mutability into a formula simply does not compute at first. However, at the end of this cosmically odd formula, the answer which lies directly after the “=” is YOU, my stationary addicts! (In case you didn’t understand that last bit of phrasing, don’t sweat it. It’s an inside joke between myself and the chastity belt wearers of the Zodiac.)
Before discussing why the quality of Mutable joined with the element of Earth is the best possible astrological combination to withstand Saturn’s exaltation in the House of Money, let’s discuss exactly why The Lord of Karma’s current exalted positioning in The House of The Baby Greens has been such the karmic minefield for you Yet-to-be-deflowered ones during the past nearly 3 years. Super Sunshiney Great!
As very clearly previously said earlier with the most enlightening of accompanying explanation, Virgo is an Earth Sign. The essence of the element of Earth is the tangible – what one can see, touch, taste, feel, hear, and whatever other body part which does something that in my very present state I forgot.
The House of Money is an Earthy House since the first of the Earth signs, Taurus, rules the House of the Cash Cow naturally.
The Lord of Karma, whose nickname is Saturn, is the planetary ruler of the last of the Earth signs, Capricorn.
So carry the 5 with a dividend of .6 and DAMN! What did I forget this quintillionth time around before screwing up yet again? Oh yeah.
This is all happening to the middle of the earth signs – (pssst! Virgo, front and center!).
A triple pinball Earthen effect can very noticeably be seen, heard, and felt, but not necessarily tasted or eaten, given that the last 3 years of this period of exaltation for the planet Saturn (the planetary ruler of the last of the earth signs, Capricorn), has been taking place for the middle of the earth signs, (aka your well bleached selves), in the Earth based House of Money (an area of Life naturally ruled by the sign who simply loves, loves, LOVES their things, Taurus).
Wow, my List makers, say it isn’t Virginally so that I could have possibly provided the sign of minutia details too much actual detail?
Allow me to sum up the landsliding effect of all that Earth in one astrological place….
With The Virgo’s House of Money being so Earth based already by virtue of 2 of the 3 Earth signs being already represented with the heavy-walking presences of both The Virgin and The Bull, throw in Capricorn’s ruler, and the earthy end result is that over the last 3 years, The Lord of Karma’s exalted restrictions, challenges and Life’s Lessons the Hard Way regarding Money were placed upon every Virgoan in a most true to life, realtime, coldly harsh, yet hyper-realistic way.
Since the fall of 2009, there was no room for esoteric interpretation regarding the dwindling monies and diminishing tangible assets of every Virgo. Even your fellow Detail Dredger, double Virgoan Keanu Reeves, couldn’t surfer laugh off the harsh realities and more importantly RESTRICTIONS which the ringed planet placed upon the wallet, purse, and bank account of every Virgoan since October of 2009.
With such a heavy concentration of Earth in this particular area of The Virgo’s Life during Saturn’s exaltation, the current times should reveal that close to every person born beneath the middle of the Earth signs most noticeably should have LESS money and FEWER tangible possessions and assets than they did at the beginning of Saturn’s exalted period in the autumn of 2009.
(Removing safety latch and engaging “On” button of supra-electronic echoing megaphone for the masses)
PUT THE CAT-O-NINE TAILS AND/OR THE MACE (AS IN THE MEDIEVAL SKULL CRUSHER, NOT THE CONVENIENCE-CAUSING SPRAY) AWAY BEFORE COMMENCING TO PULVERIZE YOUR PERFECTION STRIVING SELVES INTO THE MOST MINUTIA OF PULP DUST, VIRGOS! AND FOR THE LOVE OF MERCURY! ENOUGH WITH THE FACIAL SELF PUNCHING! DON’T EVEN MAKE ME GO THROUGH THAT COMPUTER MONITOR TO SHOW YOU SELF BEATERS I’M SERIOUS, AND KNOW UPFRONT THERE WILL NOT BE A SECOND WARNING, YOU SELF CRITICIZERS GOT ME?
My Virgens, having less than what you started with while at the tail end of Saturn’s exaltation dualisticly means the Virgo has passed The Lord of Karma’s exalted test with flying colors! Frankly, I’m amazed the entire Worry Warted crew of you even made it to this point in space and time un-self flagellated (in other words, not self pulverized into pulp dust) and relatively unscathed!
Over the last 3 years, not only were you Virgens left to your own devices to make due with what very little each of you had, but also in your own individualized way, each mutable sign’d person had to pay Rent for merely passing go on Boardwalk, and had to also sacrifice a few crucial sources of tangible security from your Water Works and Rail Roads.
Bad “Monopoly” analogies aside, Here is where all the good stuff comes in about being an Earth based mutable sign! What’s the good side behind the Neat Nicks of the Zodiac being born as Mutable Earth signs, my Virgens? – Resourcefulness, Thriftiness, and a Gifted sense of Valued Worth.
Your sign alone possesses the natural resourcefulness to make their diminished finances survive during these very, very trying economic times into the present, Virgo.
Your sign alone has the inherent thriftiness to make their tangible possessions last much, much longer than usual, Virgo.
Your sign alone truly knows a good melon when you see one.
I am SO not snapping your chastity belts regarding the melon comment! The Virgo’s detail driven sense of practicality gives them a head and non-dandruffed shouldered tangible advantage from the rest of the non-coupon cutting Zodiac by inherently knowing the value and worth of things and because of those important traits, getting the penultimate most of every dollar they spend!
As well as surviving this period of Father Bother’s exaltation through such a crucial area of life, like The Virgo’s House of Money.
One last thing, can any of you resourceful ones thriftily part with 20 of those hard saved bucks by lending them to stupidly senseless, non-coupon cutting, non-Virgoan me?
(An exalted, never before witnessed, multitude of tumbleweeds blow past Brad’s person.)
The financial hard times are drawing to a close in just a few weeks, when The Lord of Karma finally leaves your frayed and heavily patched House of Money this upcoming October 6th, Virgo. You’d think your sign would be in the mood to share the wealth right about now, but what do I know, I’m ONLY the astrologer, Jeez!