As you know from my portfolio of almost award-winning columns, I am an avid hunter and outdoorsman. Refer back to the “Terms of Endeermeat” piece I wrote last fall as well as my quest to bag fresh moles for my homemade molasses, and you know what I’m talking about.
So it goes without saying that a new, even more mysterious quarry has captured my fascination with wildlife.
I am organized for this hunt. A few hundred-dollars worth of camouflage gear, night-vision goggles and a spanking new shiny 12-gauge shotgun. I chose the 12-gauge because it’s better than your 13-guage. Or is it the 11-gauge? At any rate, I am ready.
I began with voracious reading on the legendary beast and found many discrepancies.
Is it real or imaginary? An urban legend perhaps? Known around the world as Yeti, The Abominable Snowman or Sasquatch, some theorists even believe that the monster is the extraterrestrial Chewbacca from the Stars Wars movies. Bigfoot is described as a large hairy beast similar to a gorilla in the range of 8-12 feet tall. Eyewitness accounts say the Bigfoot has a pronounced brow and a large forehead. It is reported that he has a strong, unpleasant smell with enormous feet as large as 2 feet in size. Sounds sort of like my old college roommate Stinky Pete. Pete was so hairy that Bigfoot took videos of him.
Stalking Bigfoot requires no hunting license, there is no harvest limit and it is perfectly legal to use the weapon of my choice. I opted for the high velocity buckshot in the 12-gauge so that I will be ready when the moment of truth arrives.
I learned that the technique of baiting traps is a common practice when hunting animals or urban legends. The trap I chose was the famous Bigfoot Edition of the Binford5000 with the spring-loaded leg grip, but what to bait it with? The idea of an enticing food source that Bigfoot would go after was an intriguing one. Apples with an aromatic deer attractant crossed my mind, as did a sack of Burger King Whoppers with cheese, French fries and a chocolate shake.
With my field research completed, I donned my black “I’m with Bigfoot” t-shirt, my state of the art night vision goggles, my trap and headed out to the backyard in my quest for the legendary Bigfoot. I set up my motion sensitive video camera, set the trap springs and baited it.
Bigfoot Trap Bait
1 Flank Steak, Cut thin across the bias
½ Cup Soy Sauce
½ Cup Beer
1 Tsp. Liquid Smoke
2 Tsps. Garlic Salt
1 Tsp. Freshly Ground Black Pepper
½ Tsp Chili Powder
2 Tsp. Brown Sugar
Combine all the ingredients and marinate for 24 hours.
Remove from marinade, drain and pat dry.
Place meat strips in dehydrator and dehydrate for at least 24 hours or until dried. Jerky is done when it is dry and pliable.
None of that store-bought jerky for my trap. It was just a matter of time before Bigfoot would be mine.